You & me

19/08-10
♥

I love you, always will

It's me

...................But just remember when you think
..................You're free
.......................The crack inside your fucking heart is me..

Without you

Im sitting here writing this, not even planning on doing anything with it, just getting it out of my head. finally making it real, enabling myself from further lying to myself about it. I cant imagine ever telling you how i feel. I continue to torture myself with your presence, i should end our friendship right here and now, and finally free my self from my self inflicted torment. But i cant. I cant imagine my life without you in it.

Whatever

My birthday

Lost

I think I may have lost that one person. That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love him so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you, I fear I always will.
I think I may have lost you. I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. I love you with all my heart.

Forgetting

Today I’ve realized that I’m forgetting.

Forgetting him, how he loved me, how sweet he was, how happy he made me feel. I’m forgetting that feeling he always gave me. I have started to forget about us.

That’s why I try to think about him before I fall asleep, so I can dream about him, because that makes him closer. It’s patethic, He’s over me, and I’m not even 17 yet, my life haven’t started.

But it feels like it’s over without him.

I love you

I met a boy and fell for him fast. We moved fast. Everything was such a rush, everything was perfect, we were so obsessed with each other. He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He would say “you're amazing” every hour. And so would I.

I have idealized this boy to the point where he is perfect in my eyes, and because of that, I can’t be satisfied with anyone else. He doesn’t know I think about him every day.

You

That should be me

Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't.

This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me.

No me without you

When I think about you not being here with me (I actually think about you all the time), it makes me sick to my stomach. I miss you so much it physically hurts. Whenever I talk about you, I feel a knot in my throat. I can't picture myself with anyone but you. And time goes by and does it's cray thing but, how I feel doesn't change, it never goes away, even when I hate you for leaving me, for not loving me enough, it doesn't weather. How I cried myself to sleep wishing I could feel you close to me. How I wish I could just stop feeling because it hurts so much. I want to move on, I want to walk away and just remember you every now and then as someone I was fond of. I'm tired and frustrated because I don't understand you, I don't know what it is that you want or feel... sometimes I think you don't even know that yourself. I can go and conquer the world and make my wildest dreams come true but, in the end you are not here. I feel as if I lost a part of me, you took and I want it back. I play it cool, I cry when no one sees me, I dream of you. I'm in hell.

Cycle

Did you think you could persuade me to let you go?

Love

She died from love 11:45 - 10/5

I wish

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. And when I see your name, it's like I can't breathe for a second and my heart skips a beat. So what would happen if I heard your voice? Or saw you? I wouldn't know what to do. Of course I want to hear you, and see you. I dream about it all the time. I'm crazy about you.

I wish I could tell you how I really feel, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. Cause somehow I can't put feelings into words. I guess words isn't enough. I'm so bad at showing feelings for someone that I just assume they know how I feel about them. I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.

I just want to talk to you more, like we used to. We don't even talk at all anymore. It hurts, it really does. I don't know if you want to talk to me or not, even if you say you want to I don't believe you. Cause you never say hi, and I just don't dare to be the first one saying it. I don't even know what to talk about anyways, everything just hurts. Isn't that funny? I want to talk to you so badly, but it hurts and I act like I don't even want to talk to you when we actually do speak to each other. But it's all your fault and you know it. Why throw me away for someone else? Guess you didn't know what you actually threw away. I thought you loved me. Why lie? You couldn't have ment ANYTHING you said to me when you just threw it all away for someone you don't even know? I don't understand. Please explain yourself. I just want everything to be like it used to.

I'm yours, I always will be. I just wish you were mine.

Heartbeat

I want you

I want to be with you, I want all of you. But you don't want me. You're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. What you're doing, it doesn't make sense. I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.

I can't

I can't. I can't i can't i can't.
I can't do this anymore. It's going to kill me. I just can't. I need to move on. But.
I can't stop loving him. I can't and i need to because it's the worst thing ever.
I can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
I can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
He's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
I can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
I can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
I can't because i see her everyday.
I can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
I don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
I can't because he might still have feelings for me.
There is that sliver of a chance and while i know it's probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
I can't because i think about being in his arms every second
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers
warm, soft and right.
I can't because he understood me.
He just got me, right from the start.
And i don't find that often. Not often at all.
I can't because we would be perfect together.
I know we would. And it's too hard for me to give up on that.
I can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
I can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. I want to stop so much.
It's just not going to happen.
I can't because i don't see other guys. I don't even see them as being guys.
It's like they don't exist to me now.
I can't because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
I thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
I can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.

I can't breathe. I can't focus. I can't be without him. I can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.

I just can't.

After all

After all we said
After all we shared
Ater all we loved
I still can't believe that you just threw me away
but you did.

I need you

I spend all my time at home; all I ever want to do is sleep. I don't go out with my friends, I don't feel like doing anything, I can't focus on anything because I'm so goddamn tired of fighting that I've given up and I hate myself for it. I miss him, I have missed him, and missing him has become this dull aching hole in my chest, this feeling that comes in waves and bowls me over and makes me shake. I see pictures of him that makes me cry and I think that I really fucked up and I wonder who I am and why I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to fix it.

Please don't let me go, I desperately need you. ♥

You were it

When you left me, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again.

I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on boys. I would sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another boy the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

You were it, my first love, I think the closest I’ve ever come.